Least Helpful is a website—or rather, a “tumblr”—that compiles the most abysmal customer product reviews found across the internet. I should probably mention that it took me until a few months ago to actually understand what a “tumblr” was. Apparently, it just translates to “a website.” Mystery solved.
Anyway, Least Helpful aggregates the least useful, most unsettling, and strangest product reviews from platforms like Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and Goodreads. As someone with obsessive-compulsive disorder who once spent three months searching for the “perfect” black hoodie, I can attest to how useless online consumer reviews can be. They often veer into bizarre tangents about topics like Obamacare or religion when all you really want to know is if a sweatshirt is comfortable. I did discover that Jesus is apparently anti-healthcare, which is a fun fact I plan to drop into conversation at the next party I attend. (“Hey, did you see that new movie Argo?” someone will say. “JESUS HATES HEALTHCARE AND HE HATES YOU!” I’ll scream.)
Where was I? Right, I was about to share some of my favorite reviews from Least Helpful. Here they are:
Klipsch Image X10 Noise-Isolating Earphone: I personally think two stars is a generous rating for a product you feel is too “penis-y.” But hey, the sound quality is good. This review also made me wonder what it would actually feel like to have penises in your ears. I imagine it would feel either much warmer or colder than expected, depending on the circulation involved. When I began my professional writing career seven years ago, I never imagined I would end up typing that sentence. Anyway, penises in ears. I feel like they’d be a lot warmer or colder in your ears than you’d think. “Hey, this penis in my ear is surprisingly chilly.” I don’t think I can continue doing this professionally after writing that. Maybe I need a new career path. Perhaps law school is an option.
Fisher-Price T.M.X Tickle Me Elmo: I have only one response to this review, which is this song. It also happens to be a song that was randomly stuck in my head when I woke up this morning for no apparent reason. Anyway. The internet! Fuck yeah! Slavery! Fuck yeah! Still funny, even years later.
Also, on an unrelated note, I worked in a toy store about a decade ago. One day, while bored, I triggered an entire row of singing, talking Elmos simultaneously—about twenty of them—and the result was… horrifying. That is all. It isn’t a long or particularly interesting story, but I felt you should know.
Furby Orangutan: Mmm. I like the part about the demons. But this review needs some random Obama-bashing before I can really get behind it. Add a little Obama-bashing, and then I’ll be satisfied.
Also: “GOOD RIDENCE.” …Just two little words, really. But oh, how they tug at the heart.
Iron Samurai – Japanese Inspired Blue LED Watch: Look, I’m just going to be honest and cut through the fluff. You have not had orgasms that lasted longer than this watch. And I’m going to guesstimate that you have never had any orgasms at all. Wow. That was mean of me.
Moving on… “Iron Samurai” is the most Japanese-y fake Japanese name I can imagine. Although “Iron Samurai Robot Ninja Sushi Cat” might be better.
I Know an Old Lady Who Swallowed a Pie: I think it would be miserable to have this woman as a teacher or a parent. “That book is so preposterous — who could REALLY swallow a horse?” Wow. She’s a fun one, isn’t she? How does someone with that attitude even become a preschool teacher? Did she intend to get a job as a server at Chili’s that day, but found the restaurant closed and just swerved her car toward a school and somehow became a teacher instead? I just don’t get it.
Anyway, being in her class would be awful. “‘Humpty-Dumpty had a great… fall?’ How would an egg even get on top of a wall in the first place, children? Jesus. Or how could he even be alive in the first place? YOU JUST CAN’T SUSPEND DISBELIEF FOREVER, CHILDREN, YOU JUST CAN’T! …I MEAN, GAWD. I MEAN, GRARRAAAAAH!!!” So yeah. Sounds like a terrible class.
Why Romney Lost: I’d like to point out to Mr. M. Parker — and to everyone everywhere, I suppose — that putting random words like “votes” in quotation marks doesn’t make you seem wise, smart, or like you can see through the lies and the bullshit of the Philip K. Dick-ian society we live in. No, it just makes you look foolish. And at a certain “point,” putting too “many” “words” inside of “quotation marks” just “starts” to undercut any “argument” that you may have “had” in the first place, and just makes “people” completely “tune you out.” …So. I’m not sayin’; I’m just sayin’.
Taco Cabana: …This, on the other hand, is a helpful review. Thanks, Rudy! Note to the other people on “Least Helpful” — this is how you do it, people!!!!! This is the kind of info that I need to know.
AHAHAHAHAHA. So, there’s that. I’m laughing right now because I just realized that I have to end this article but I don’t have a joke to close with. Um. So. How to get out of this situation. Um, quick. Hey; what’s that right behind you? No; I’m serious. I’m not kidding. Seriously; you’ve got to look behind you right now.
